


If You're Bleeding, So Am I

by Mamogirl



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Angst, Brian's Voice Problems, Character Study, First Kisses, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurities, M/M, Understandings, emotional angst, mental angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:47:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24567961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mamogirl/pseuds/Mamogirl
Summary: “Sometimes I just wish I had done things a different way, but I didn’t know it’d turn out like this.”
Relationships: Nick Carter/Brian Littrell
Comments: 6
Kudos: 11





	If You're Bleeding, So Am I

**Author's Note:**

> This unfinished story is a translation. The reason why I didn't finish is because I kinda felt it wasn't right but, at the same time, there are parts of what I've written that I love so much. It's a slow story, it's all about feelings and explanation and I feared it would be too much boring. *hides in a corner*  
> It's a story of falling in love, of understanding and misunderstanding. It's a work where I tried to explore Brian's psychology, which is what I love writing about the most.  
> Temporally, it's set after the Boys came back from the recordings in London.  
> It used to be part of "Best That I Can", my collections of random stories but I might go back to this one and add more, like a chronical journey through Brian's vocal issues. 
> 
> As always, if you want to leave two words and let me know what you think about it.

If You’re Bleeding, So Am I

The clock was counting down the minutes, an invisible reminder that the day had already started and he was supposed to be somewhere else but not in that house. They were waiting for him, at least he hoped. It wasn’t like back in the day, when they had to be all together to do the recordings for the new album: time had changed, families had come along and, ironically, he had been the one coming up with that new schedule because he had a family, he had a beautiful new born and it was expected of him to be there all the time.

Time had changed and now, for the first time in years, he wasn’t the one everyone depended on to lay down vocals and get the song done: he was the last wheel, he was just an addition, because his voice had fucked up and could fucked up the entire album. Some days were good, the notes came through as nothing had ever happened: those were the days when Brian could breathe, picking up that confidence that he had shown with the other guys when he had told them that there was nothing to worry about and that it wasn’t going to take much time for him to fix it.

Lie.

Another lie, just like the ones he had told them the months before, all those times they asked him if he was okay and if everything was okay.

_“Yes. Just a little tired. Aren’t we all tired?”_

He should have been an actor. Good Lord, he had been lying for years and, yet, no one had managed to get through those lies and see what lied underneath all.

Another lie.

There had been someone. And not just anybody. He had seen through him, he had seen through the façade of strength and confidence, his careless attitude and those jokes that were beneficial mostly for his anxiety.

He was tired. He was exhausted by that ongoing battle, that acting that wasn’t good anymore. That day he didn’t want to go out and face another terrible day, failure after failure because he already could feel his throat contracting and closing down on his voice. No notes were coming out that day, no voice was going to narrate songs that he didn’t feel anymore, too happy and joyful for a soul that had forgotten how to be happy.

He had to get away.

He needed to stop. The world needed to stop just for a day, letting him figure out how he could keep going on and be whatever and whoever the group needed him to be.

If they still needed him.

Maybe he was the only one who was still hanging on to that role he had been giving at the beginning; maybe he was the only one who didn’t want things to change, even though they had to because that was what life was about: rolling and turning, evolving and exploring things that might be scary at the beginning.

The clock kept tickling, eating seconds and minutes until another hour was about be stroke. He should be somewhere else but his legs couldn’t or didn’t want to move. He should call and warn about him not going at the recording but did it really matter? Was someone really going to care or would they just be relieved?

He wasn’t going to find out. He wasn’t going to let his fears become true. At least not that day, when he already felt so low and so disheartened.

No, that day he was going to disappear.

He wondered, though.

He wondered if someone was going to notice his absence. He wondered if someone would miss him. He wondered if someone would be worried and would set upon finding him.

He wondered. And a tiny hope kept blossoming inside, the wishing thought that someone, and not just anybody, would come and try to stop him.

*********

Brian was late that morning. And it shouldn’t have been something special or alarming, except for the fact that Brian had never been late before.

Never.

Brian was late and not just by five or ten minutes, that time wasted because there had been too much traffic or because the alarm had decided not to ring that morning. No, that wouldn’t have caused worry to spike up; that wouldn’t have seemed something so weird and strange. But one hour? One hour was definitely the length of time that could justify that worry that was starting to rise its head and trying to make itself heard.

Especially because Brian was never late.

Brian had never been late before, especially if it was a recording day. It had never happened before, quite the opposite: since the beginning, Brian had always been the first to walk through the door of whatever recording studio they were working at. Nick was too used to coming and finding him already sitting down, his eyes scanning a newspaper or scrolling his phone; sometimes he would already be working on some songs. Lately, though, it wasn’t that strange coming and finding him already warming up, doing all those exercises that seemed pointless and useless but, Nick guessed, were the only things that could help Brian to overcome his problems. Yes, Brian was still the first to arrive even in those days when his voice had more difficulties in coming out while, on the opposite, it was much easier for that grimace and painful light to paint his blue eyes, shining with a dark glow of shame and embarrassment. Another person would have gone home. Another person wouldn’t let himself go through painful hours of trying and trying, there where notes had always been easy as a breath of air.

Not Brian.

Brian stayed. Brian stayed, stubborn and proud, too proud to admit that he needed a break or that he needed to take few days to rest and relax. Brian stayed and fought, that was the incredible yet frustrating thing: Brian fought his way, his role and every note that didn’t come out quite as before. Brian stayed and thought when Kevin, or him, would try to reassure him that it was okay, that he had to think about his own health instead than banging his head against a wall of stress that he didn’t need. Brian stayed, even though Nick didn’t want him there and not because he had something against him or thought that he wasn’t needed anymore: it was quite a selfish reason, more how he couldn’t stand anymore staring at those eyes filled with so much sadness, shame, disappointment and self-hatred, and that painful realization that he was now the weak link of the group. Brian stayed and Nick didn’t want him to because it made him feel useless.

Powerless.

Because Nick didn’t know how to help his friend, he didn’t know what words he was supposed to say, for all the comforting ones had lost all their meaning and intensity. He couldn’t just go over and hug him every time a note would come out strangled and hoarse.

And, maybe, that last was the reason why it was everything so complicated and painful.

How could you help someone who wouldn’t let you close?

How could you help someone that didn’t want to be helped?

That morning something clicked in Nick. That morning, entering in the studio and seeing the room completely deserted, with no coffee waiting and no Brian, Nick decided that it was time to do something. He hadn’t believed, not even for just one second, that Brian was simply late and he was about to rush inside with some sort of excuse. Things had changed and it wasn’t just Kevin and his coming back, strongly wanted by Brian himself; things had changed because Nick had changed, grown up into that person that he had always meant to be. Things had changed because old feelings had started to come back, raising their heads as the months quickly passed by and it was almost impossible not noticing that something was very wrong with Brian’s voice, the way it would disappear out of the blue, hiding somewhere as if it had become suddenly shy. Things had changed and Nick had found harder and harder to believe those excuses given in hope that no one would worry too much: flues and colds that couldn’t last that long, months and months of tiredness and exhaustion that were written in those eyes that were duller and duller.

Nick had never noticed before.

Nick had never wondered before.

Brian had always been his hero, that special and mystical being that had managed to beat death twice. He had never wondered before how much strength it took him to always shine that brightly; he had never wondered if there was a price behind that smile that had never faltered. Maybe because it had been difficult to focus on someone else’s problems when you were already suffocating in your own; maybe because they had been sent far apart and some kind of resentment had clouded off Nick’s vision, making Brian’s issues invisible until it was too late to fix and heal them.

Nick could remember that first night in London. All of them were excited, except Brian. He had been on his own for most of the day, closed off as if there was something that he had to share but didn’t know how to. He had tried, Nick, to reach out. He had tried, Nick, to hold out a hand and let him know that things could change, that he could go back and trust him like back in the day.

_“I’m here, Brian. Why can’t you see it?”_

That night had been a wakeup call. For them, for sure. For Brian, because he had to face that he couldn’t keep that secret hidden and because, from that day on, he would become the center of attention, although not as he would have liked. For Nick, it made him realize something that he had long tried to forget, something that he had fought and had believed that was already over, just a teen crush.

It had always been more than a crush.

It had always been more than a friendship.

“Maybe he still sleeping.” Howie added nonchalantly, yet Nick could sense a tiny layer of worry underneath it.

It could be but Nick knew it wasn’t that the reason for Brian’s absence. Especially given how, lately, the man had seemed to have lost any connection and love for sleeping, black bags that he didn’t even try to hide anymore.

“Or maybe he had a visit and just forgot to tell us.” Kevin’s voice came out a little bit too frustrated, annoyed because his own cousin was too stubborn to even share little info about his therapy.

No. Nick was sure that it wasn’t like that. Nick knew that there was something deeper, something that went beyond just being tired or another appointment that Brian forgot to mention. He didn’t know why he knew that, it was a feeling that was growing bigger and bigger and didn’t admit any other reasoning or justifications. Something was wrong. Something had been wrong for too long time and it was about time to make things right.

“He would have called. And he would have told us some excuses, we used to do it a lot back in the day.”

Back in the day. Back when they were the best thing ever happened in their own worlds. Back when things had seemed much clearer and so much more scaring. Back when it didn’t take much to Nick to persuade Brian to lie and, oh so convincedly, just so that they could a couple of hours all alone.

Gosh, how Nick missed those moments! Those hours when nothing and no one could knock at their world, those hours when Nick had Brian all for himself and how many opportunities had he wasted away! Those hours ended so abruptly. Those hours turned into memories and, now, Nick didn’t want to live just in his memory, he wanted something that would feel much more alive and breathing than before.

And, with that thought in mind, Nick only took his keys and headed out of the recording studio.

It was time to set some things right.

Nothing was going to stop him. Nothing and no one was going to hold him back, wasting away another chance and another opportunity only because the moment didn’t seem perfect and right. So, what if Brian wasn’t the same man he knew back then? So, what if Brian was going through some hard times? And, if he had to be honest with himself, Nick couldn’t help but feeling as if this was fate testing them. Testing him, making him stand in front of the chance to prove that he could be trusted and that he could be just what Brian needed in that moment.

That was his chance to right that wrong he had done so many years ago and that it was still a shaming and embarrassing moment that he had wanted to erase so badly. It had been so easy to blame Brian for their fallout: he was going through shit and Brian, instead than standing by his side, had instead decided to get married and live that life that Nick had always envied and dreamed. But that wasn’t the entire truth. Nick had blamed Brian and used that resentment to justify that hurt and anger that was raising heads and flames within his heart: it had been easier dwelling in that pain instead than wondering and realizing that something deeper, something bigger and much more important had happened between them.

How could he be able to know that it was love when he had never been in love?

But that had been. Love. Nick had fallen in love with his best friend and now, looking back, it was so much easier to notice all the ways they had always been closer than just friends, how they had always searched each other or just a way to touch and taste their own skin. And it was so easy to notice how many times Nick had looked the other side, turned his head every time Brian had showed a smile that wasn’t quite right or those rare moments when, safe from strangers’ eyes,

*********

“Bri. – Nick called him, deciding that it was about time to stop that madness and that silent walk on the deserted beach. Patience had never been one of Nick’s strengths and not even maturity had been able to soothe that aspect: he had never liked to wait, especially when it came to one person in the world. Especially when it came to Brian. And more than before, now Nick wanted to know. Nick wanted to understand and help the older man. He wanted _him_ so badly and that was why he couldn’t wait anymore. – Please, talk to me. Say something. Why are we here? Why did you want me to come with you?”

Brian didn’t reply immediately, he just moved closer to the shore and played with a small rock that was lying there all alone, caressed only by the gentle touch of the waves. He could sense Nick’s gaze on his back, that burning expression that wanted to run underneath his clothes so that it could try to steal away all his secrets. Oh, there were so many! Pile and pile of words left unsaid; rivers and rivers of emotions that had been buried so deep with the mere excuse of wanting to protect that very same boy, now man, that was standing right behind him. Nick had never had a clue about them, Brian had never let him that close in fear that he would even catch a glimpse of all his lies and pretenses. The biggest lie? That very same justification that he had been telling himself, that primordial need to protect and defend his younger friend. But did he really protect him? Or did he hurt both, destroying a relationship that might could have turned into something deeper and more important? The blame. The responsibility. That weight was crushing him down, making him drown in a cold and dark ocean and that... well, that was his last chance to ask for help.

There are so many ways to self-destroy. Some are hard to miss, even though one might not notice them at first because it’s hard to accept that someone you love can hate and hurt himself in such a destructive way; others leave trails behind their path, signs and alarming bells that only a blind man could miss or not notice. And then there are the more devious ones, the ones that love staying quiet underneath your skin as if they are invisible mice, crunching and munching until they manage to open the first crack. You can’t notice it, at first. You don’t want to believe that there’s something wrong so you try to hide it. Mask it. Fix it as much as you can, even though there is no easy way out. It’s impossible to fix something that is broken beyond repair, because days and months have passed by and those mice, those little monsters, have never stopped with their work and now... now the vase is shattered. Now you’re shattered and you’re left only with wondering how that was possible, how you have let it happen or why haven’t you notice how fragile the entire structure was. Now you can finally see all those sings, all those traces that could have warned you before it was too late; now you can see your own path to self-destruction, wondering if there is even the smallest chance of hope to build it up all over again. Or wondering if all is lost forever.

That was what happened. That was Brian had to face: all of his mistakes, all the wrongs that paved his path, right from the beginning. Now Brian could only stare at the destruction left behind, that shattered image that had always protected him. How could he tell Nick this? How could he tell him that he didn’t who he was supposed to be anymore?

“I’m lost, Nick. I... I thought I knew it all. I thought I could hide and pretend that I was doing okay. But I can’t. It’s too hard. It’s too difficult. – Brian looked down, not ready to face Nick’s gaze as the next words left his lips. – We’re so alike, you know? The difference is that you had the courage to face your demons and come out stronger while me... I’m still lost. I’m still too messed up.”

Those weren’t the words that Nick wanted to hear. Or expected to hear coming from Brian, of all the people. And those words left him confused. Shocked. Speechless. Because, in just one breath, those words managed to erase that image of Brian that Nick had always had in his mind, that image that he had painted and decorated about the older. Those words put Brian down that pedestal he had been placed years and years before, making him fall on the same ground Nick had been staying: there were no more differences between them, those same reasons that had forced them far apart and almost strangers to each other; those words made Brian more human in front of Nick’s eyes, flaws and imperfections finally visible so that no one could ever hate the man ever again because he wasn’t perfect anymore. Or, maybe, the truth was that Brian had never been perfect to begin with, but just perfectly hid himself and his flaws underneath an image of strength and example to follow and only in that moment Nick was able to see it: it was in the way Brian was no longer carrying himself around, shoulders hunched as if he wanted to disappear within himself, as if the weight he was carrying was too much to hold. But, if Nick had to be honest with himself, there wasn’t the first time: there had been another time, maybe the first crack that no one considered it important or to worry about, and that had pushed Brian to hide instead than letting himself being deceived with nothing more than disappointment and heartache.

And so, Nick stayed in silence. And so, Nick stood there and watched Brian slowly turning towards him, realizing the importance of that moment that might never come back again. In that moment Brian didn’t need words, didn’t need comfort. He only needed to be heard, his hurt and pain finally able to talk and scream and it didn’t matter if it made Nick a little bit afraid or scared of realizing that his best friend, the hero he had worshipped for so long, might be just as fragile and vulnerable as he was.

It was weird, for Brian. It was weird for Brian to look back and see his life as it was, and not as he had always thought. It was weird and painful because now he could see all the signs, all the moments where he should have stopped before it was too late; all the times he should have asked for help because he needed, because he was too tired and only wanted the world to just stop and let him breathe. “I’ve always been so stubborn.”

“That’s not really a news. – Nick commented with a small laugh. – You’ve just found this out?”

“I’ve always knew it. But I thought it was my strength, you know? I had to keep going my way so that I could prove people wrong. I wanted to win, no matter how many obstacles were in front of me or how many people told me that it was too dangerous. – Brian stopped for a second, wondering why now it was so easy to talk to Nick like that. Had he surrender? Had he finally understood that there was no winning if he kept doing all by himself? If he kept keeping things secret? Or, maybe, he just wanted Nick to see who he really was, before taking another step. – I’ve been wrong all along.”

Nick took a step closer to Brian and the ocean near them: the water was crystal clear that not only captured and made the sunlight its own prisoner, but one could spot small fishes running around, mistaking their feet for rocks. He hadn’t expected for things to turn out like that. Well, he hadn’t known what to expect from that day but it was way much more than what he could have imagined. Or wished. Nick had longed for a moment like that, a moment when all Brian’s masks would fall apart and Nick could see that soul that had been his match since the beginning. Oh, but he had been young and had never known how to approach Brian, how to make him trust him to that level.

Nick had always envied the older man. Since the beginning, since the first time he heard about him and watched him jumping higher than any other taller boys. He looked up at him. He wanted to be him, he wanted to be that pillar that the group rotated around: everyone always said that he was the star of the group but Brian had always been the heart, that constant and strong heart that had kept beating even when things had gone rough. Somewhere along the ride, though, that admiration that Nick had felt for Brian had changed and turned into jealousy. And anger. Why couldn’t he be like that? Why couldn’t he let things pass by instead than replying to every word and every blow life had thrown against him?

“I envied you. – Nick admitted. – I envied how you had your perfect life while mine was… well, shit.”

“And now it’s mine that it’s shit. – Brian replied with a sad small smile. – I guess that’s what I deserve.”

“Don’t.”

“What?”

“Don’t say that. – Nick replied with so much fury in his voice. Even with everything that had gone down between them, he couldn’t stand there and listen to Brian speaking that way about himself. He wasn’t that demon that he was thinking he was. – You don’t deserve it.”

“Why not? You should be happy.”

“That’s what you really think of me? Christ, Brian! I don’t hate you like that!”

“I don’t think you’re really happy about this situation. But you can’t deny that it’s a sort of revenge.”

Nick didn’t answer immediately. Brian was right. He wasn’t happy, obviously. He couldn’t be happy because Brian wasn’t happy, Brian was hurt and that would never be a reason to be joyful or satisfied. But, somehow, it did bring a little bit of justice. It did bring a sort of balm to that little boy who had always thought so little about himself, who had always looked up to Brian and wondered why all the good things happened to him and he was left with only shit and misery.

“I’ve never wished you ill.”

“I know. – Brian agreed. Nick could may hate him, Nick could have a complicated relationship with his emotions and rage, but he had never been that low. – I just don’t know how to be. I just don’t know how I am supposed to fix this.”

“The thing is, Bri, that you don’t have to fix it on your own. You don’t have to go through this alone.”

“Alone is what has protected me right from the beginning.”

That affirmation saddened Nick and, at the same time, hurt him more than he was willing to let it show. It hurt knowing that he hadn’t been able to see the signs of the battle Brian had been fighting; it hurt knowing that he hadn’t been trusted enough to be let inside, he hadn’t been given a weapon to fight by Brian’s side. It hurt and saddened Nick to realize how much life, and themselves, had pushed them far away from each other.

“You’re not alone. You don’t have to be alone anymore. – Nick wasn’t going to make the same mistake all over again. He wasn’t going to let Brian hide inside that loneliness’ bubble and drift even farther. – I’m here. You wanted me here and I wanted to be here. Let me help you.”

“To let you help me, I have to let you inside. And I don’t know if…”

“You can trust me, Frick.” It had been so long since Nick had used that nickname and it felt so right. It felt as if things were finally coming back to what they used to be. Closer than everyone else. Closer like two souls that had finally found their perfect match, their mate that would completed them in ways that it was impossible to say and define.

And it was that nickname that broke the last resistance in Brian’s mind. He had thought, he had believed that he would never be ready to show his scars to the world, let alone Nick. He had believed that no one, especially Nick, would care about the dramas and fears of a still lost child who was trying to make sense of his own identity.

How wrong he had been!

After all Nick was there, wasn’t he? Nick was there, willing to listen and to comfort him. Would he stay even after his confession? Would he stay and look at him after hearing what had brought him so down on his knees? Brian couldn’t answer those questions and almost didn’t want to know them, for fear that it would mean just losing another person in his world.

But he was so exhausted to hold that weight all on his own.

“Can I, Frack?” It was a rhetorical question yet it held so much meaning and importance. And, most of all, it was a question that didn’t need to be answered with words or with a certain tone of the voice. It only needed a smile, a reassuring smile that could manage to brush away a first cloud of doubt.

“Come on, let’s sit down. You don’t even have to talk if you don’t want. We can just sit here and watch the ocean. Or we can talk about everything. I can even tell you all about my idea for a movie and you can joke about how stupid and silly it might sound.”

A weak laughter escaped Brian’s mouth and, even for just that brief and already gone moment, it felt good. Brian felt like he hadn’t been in a long time. Relieved, as if part of his problems had been lifted because Nick didn’t try to run away, didn’t try to make them sound as if they didn’t matter. Quite the opposite, to be honest. And it made him feel a little silly, a little embarrassed to have caused such a drama when it would have taken just a word, just a “ _Nick, can I talk to you?”_ and, maybe, months of agony and despair would have been spared.

Easier to said than to do.

So, Brian sat down on the beach, finding a spot where they wouldn’t be completely under the hot sun of the first hours of the afternoon; Nick sat down almost immediately, kicking some sand with his fingers as he tried to picture something that it might help to ease Brian’s mind. Or to push him to open a little bit more, trying comfort in that friendship that was finally blossoming again, as if it was a flower that had just woken up in the middle of the spring after a long, too long and too frozen winter.

In the end, Nick found out that he didn’t need to push.

“I’m exhausted, Frack.”

“I know.”

“No, you don’t. – Brian replied, his tone not carrying any trace of anger. Just a toneless statement. No one really knew how it felt to walk in his shoes, mostly because he had never complained or talked about his situation. Or, more probably, because he had never faced those voices inside his mind, those voices that now had trapped his own so that he would be forced to listen to them. – I didn’t even know how much my entire life had been shaped by just one tiny moment. I kept coming back to it. I kept trying to prove that I deserved to be here.”

“In the group, you mean?”

“Yeah. But not only that.”

“What do you mean?” Nick asked, slightly confused by what Brian was trying to say.

“I’m a miracle, that is how my mum always called me. A miracle and a gift because... well, you know how I wasn’t supposed to live. And being called a miracle for all your life kind of mess you up. When you’re young, you just don’t think about it. You feel invincible. You feel as if you can take the world in your hands, because you’ve already faced death and you’ve beat it. But then you grow up and, suddenly, you realize that it’s not just roses and butterflies. You start to wonder why you’ve been chosen, why you’ve been saved. There has to be a reason, even though you can’t quite figure it out. And you know that, this time, you can’t ruin it. You can’t waste it. You need to be the best you can be, otherwise there is no reason for you to be still alive. You need to be good, so good that, somehow, it makes it up the fact that you’ve been saved and all the pain and heartache your family had to go through. You can’t accept to fail, losing isn’t an option: you just thrive, you just push and push because everyone expects you to fall, everyone is afraid that you might break. You can’t make a mistake, even the smallest and so unimportant that no one is able to detect. Nobody but you. – Brian’s fingers were playing with a lonely thread of grass, twisting it around and bending almost to its breaking point before letting it alone. – I tried to be what the world wanted me to be. I tried so hard not to let people down, not even when I was the first to know that I was close to the breaking point. I’ve given up things I shouldn’t have and let people go just because it was the right thing, even though it felt as the worst of all. But I did because the world wanted to see that perfect picture: the perfect man, perfect husband, perfect father. I kept smiling even when I didn’t want to wake up and face the world. I kept going and going thinking that, one day, it was going to make sense and I was going to think that I was finally good enough. That I deserved to be saved.”

“Fuck. - That was all Nick could say. Was there something else? Could there be another word to say after what he had just heard? – No wonder you screwed up your voice.”

No wonder Brian felt tired and exhausted. Had he been played that role for all his life? Had he always felt like he didn’t belong, unless he was just what people expected him to be? Had he always felt like he had to prove his worth just to feel alive? No wonder, especially, if one day their roads and lives became too distant, forced apart because of all those expectations Brian had put on himself. And, yet, there was no wonder to the fact that that confession made Nick love Brian a little more, just for the way he was still holding himself while shading light on his weaknesses. And there was no wonder if, out of habit, Nick reached for the older but smaller man and put an arm around his shoulders, an attempt of a hug that wanted to convey so much more.

“I know. I know. And all those times, you know what I did? I envied you and Aj.”

“We’re not really a great example on how to deal with things.” Nick commented, half joking and half being serious.

“You were free to act whatever you liked. Everyone expected you two to be messed up, everyone expected you two to act like crazy, because of everything you’ve been through and your families. No one was going to question if you mess up your life, no one was going to wonder what was gotten in you if you were angry with the world and acted out. I didn’t have that freedom.” Brian finished with a little hint of sadness in his tone.

“You had it, Brian. You just didn’t want people to think bad of you. How many times did I tell you that?” Not just told, there had been so many times when Nick had yelled at Brian, angry because he couldn’t be that perfect man the older was and wanting, desiring so badly that Brian would finally snap and show the world that he wasn’t perfect at all. Yes, part of it had been selfish and for his own gain but there had been a little bit of concern too in his words, that nagging feeling that that façade was slowly thinning Brian’s strength and mind.

And he hadn’t been that wrong, had he?

“I know. But… I didn’t want them to know. I didn’t want them to see how bad I’ve fallen. And, at the same time, I wanted to scream as loud as I could. I wanted everyone to see my pain, to see that I was being left behind and that… - Brian shook his head, as if he could shake away that last thought too. – Don’t mind me anymore. I’m just feeling sorry for myself.”

“Stop.”

“Nick.”

“No. You’ve said yourself. You’ve been holding up this for too long. So talk. I won’t judge you.”

“It’s not just you judge me.”

“So, what is it?”

“Your reaction.”

“I’m not going to feel hurt, I promise.”

“You? Promise? – Another laugh escaped Brian’s lips, a hint of a smile that was brighter than the sun and warmer than its rays. – You’re known for always feeling hurt when people say things you don’t like.”

“Hey! I’m not like that!”

“Sorry, my bad. I’m probably talking to the wrong Nick.”

“I’ve grown up, okay? You can say things, it’s the whole fucking point of today.”

“I didn’t want to be left behind. I feared that no one was going to care if I broke down, if I kept the group going. I felt as if that was the only reason why you guys kept me around. The moment I’d slipped, the moment I’d let my mask down, it was going to be over. Everything. And I couldn’t do it. This is the only thing I’ve ever been good at. It’s one of the few things that always made feel good.”

Part of Nick couldn’t help but feeling guilty listening to that confession. Not that he believed that Brian was only good for the group but he honestly believed that he was the main reason why they were still around, despite all the shits he, Aj and Kevin’s leaving had left behind. Nick had counted on Brian, he had known that he could fall back because there was someone making sure that the world would keep turning around. But, at the same time, that confession made him sad and angry: how could Brian think that they were so heartless? That they could care less than nothing about him?

“You’re more than that, Bri. You know that. You’re more than a voice.”

“I’m not sure about it. You made it very clearly once.”

It wasn’t supposed to be a dig to him, even Brian’s tone wasn’t carrying any hint of malice. But Nick still felt as if Brian had pushed him in the stomach, maybe because he didn’t quite remember that particular moment.

“Did I? – Nick asked disbelieved. – It was probably because I was too high or drunk.”

“Oh yeah, you were. And you didn’t like that I tried to stop you from drinking another beer so you made it clear what you thought about me.”

“I didn’t mean it. Honestly, Brian, I may have thought of hating you but… I would never say something like that.”

“I know. Nick, there’s no need to explain. It hurt and it didn’t help my mind state at that moment but I know that you didn’t mean it.”

“Shit.”

“Nick.”

“No. Shit.”

“It’s okay.”

“No. It’s not okay!” Nick exclaimed while sitting up and getting away a little from Brian.

“Nick, you promised you wouldn’t act all dramatic.”

“I’m not acting all dramatic.”

“So that’s why you’re burning a hole in the sand?”

“I… - Nick turned around to face Brian. – That’s the reason why you hated me so much?”

Brian’s eyes darkened for a moment, so quick that Nick almost missed it. A blink and back was that mist of grey and blue, that haunted but proud look. That light that was trying to find its way out of the darkness.

“Hated you? – Brian asked with a mist of confusion hatched in his voice. – I’ve never hated you.”

“You did. You didn’t shy away from showing how much you didn’t approve my choices.”

 _“And you left me behind. Alone. When I needed you the most.”_ Nick wanted to add but kept it only in his mind. It wasn’t the right time for those recriminations, not when Brian was already sharing more blame than what he had ever let show back in the day.

“I didn’t like them, that’s something I won’t ever take it back. But it’s not because I hated you. I hated how you were turning to be, I hated what you were going through and I hated how I couldn’t do anything to prevent it. That’s why I stayed away from you. Not because I hated you but because I hated myself for failing you. And I couldn’t stand to look into my failure day after day, taunting and haunting me on how I hadn’t been able to protect and defend you. – Brian got up and took a step closer to Nick, feeling raw and naked as he finally let out those words and feelings he had kept to himself. And promised to never tell Nick about them. – I felt so torn. I knew I was hurting you. I knew that you needed me and I was letting you down, time after time you called and I wasn’t there to pick you up. I wanted to. But I didn’t know how to help you. I didn’t know if I could help you and that feeling so helpless, so out of my league, left me stranded from you.”

This time Nick felt truly shocked. He had always thought, and believed, that he had been the one letting Brian down, disappointed because he hadn’t been able to fight his demons in a healthy way. But the more he was faced with a disapproving gaze, the more he wanted to dive into that hurt, that pain that was only a scream for help. He had felt abandoned. He had blamed Brian for so many wrong things in his life, placing responsibilities on the older shoulders because he had felt it was the only way to live inside that nightmare. He had wanted to put a distance between him and Brian, for the only reason that he hadn’t wanted the other to see all his shit and be touched by it.

But time and healing had shone a light into that dark period, softened the blow of that broken friendship and opened up something new and deep that now was thriving to fly higher than before. And now… now another healing balm had been put on Nick’s wounds. Hearing Brian admitting his faults and responsibilities, answering that old question about what had driven them so far away from each other, was that last thread of a blanket that had been left out in the open. It needed time to be found, it needed another breakdown, one of them to be broken and hurt, because it was only in those moments that truth really found the strength and the courage to show up and let itself be visible to everyone involved.

And now it was Brian the one searching and asking to be healed. Asking to be forgiven, as if he could find some sort of solace with that repentance. Nick couldn’t say no to that pleading. Nick couldn’t just turn his back to his friend.

Or more than a friend.

“Bri, shit… it wasn’t just your fault. You couldn’t protect me from myself. You couldn’t protect me from my past and all the shit my parents got me through.”

“But I should have tried harder. I was your guardian. I had been trusted with your safety, I had been trusted to guide you through, well, everything. And I didn’t. The moment things started to get hard, the moment things started to get difficult, I had nothing to offer you. I left you behind because I was ashamed and afraid that you could see through my mask. Afraid and scared that you could see how I was just a fake, someone who appeared to know everything but didn’t have a clue about how life really worked.”

“So... so you never really hated me? - Nicks’ voice was just a soft whisper, a small child’s voice that had decided to come out and finally let himself be heard. – Even when I was the one leaving you behind? Even when I was the one abandoning you when you needed me the most?”

Years of misunderstandings and words left unsaid finally found their way out in the open. It hadn’t been an easy friendship, both had to go through things that could had probably ruined even the strongest relationship. And yet there they were, finally putting out what they had feared the most, that fragile part that had always wondered what they had done wrong and what, or if, there was something that they could do to fix and repair it. Yet there they were, wanting to cross that line that was separating them and wanting not to leave behind anything.

“It was a long time ago, Nick. And yes, I’m known to hold grudges but… - Brian shook his head, what he was going through in those last months had managed to put everything in perspective. - … yes, you hurt me. All of you did. But it was my fault too. I was stubborn, and this is something that hasn’t changed.”

The little grin appearing on Brian’s face made Nick grin at the same time. “No, it hasn’t.”

“I wish I could go back in time and, I don’t know, do things differently. I did want you guys to help me but, at the same time, I believed that I could take everything. I was invincible. And I was so disappointed. So let down because no one actually thought how serious the situation was: maybe I hid too much, maybe I acted too careless but everyone was counting on me and I couldn’t let you down. I couldn’t ruin everything after working so hard to get to that point.”

“I should have known better.” Nick admitted, realizing only in that moment how stupid both had been. It wouldn’t had taken a lot to dissipate that misunderstanding, that feeling as if both had left the other down. He had waited for a plea of help but, maybe, Brian had whispered it with looks and sad eyes that Nick hadn’t been able to decipher.

So many years wasted. So many months, weeks and days that no one was going to give them back because they were already gone, suffocated by all those feelings of anger and sadness, hurt and frustration. Both had believed to have let the other down, both had believed that they had been the one let down and so disappointed because their trust and faith had been broken in a blink of a moment. They could see them, they could see all those invisible questions and wonderings flying subtly in the air between them, impalpable beings that had walked along side with them through all those years: how many things would had been different, how they would had been different if they knew that they could hold on to each other. No one knew the real truth, no one knew if things would had been different or if they had to walk different paths just to get where they were in that moment. But nothing could shake away that feeling and sense of loss, that sensation that they had wasted so much time fighting those feelings that were kept prisoners within their souls, longing to be let free and finally meeting their other mate and discovering that they were born from the same seed. Similar they were, equally divided since the beginning of time, since the first time blue had met blue and two lonely souls had discovered that they didn’t have to face the world alone; similar feelings burning with the same intensity, suffocated by the same tongues of fears and doubts.

“You were young. I didn’t expect you to.”

“Bullshit.”

“Well, maybe a little.”

“I wanted to help you. I wanted you to come to me, to tell me that you needed me and my help. But you never did. And time passed by, you were so far away from everyone that I thought it couldn’t be that serious. – Nick passed a hand through his hair, recalling our stupid he had been. Recalling how that mistake had burned inside his heart, driving him mad and away from the man he had let down so badly. – I won’t make the same mistake, Brian. That’s why I’m here. That’s why I was there every night back in London. I won’t let you disappear inside your problems. Not this time. Not ever again.”

Brian didn’t reply immediately. He let Nick’s words wash over his mind, running through his veins and nerves until they could finally reach that corner, that secret place where all his feelings towards that blonde man had been stored, protected from curious eyes. Even his own. Playing the part hadn’t been easy, keeping distance from Nick and almost ruining everything because the other man had believed that love had turned into hate.

Hate. Such a strong word. Almost quite like love, maybe because both walked on the same spectrum, both diving into passion before separating and going to the opposite. But that was the very same reason why he could never hate Nick, no matter how many times he would hurt him or let him down. The truth was that Brian had hated someone. Himself. He had hated himself for those feelings and that attraction that sparked every time Nick was around the room, brightening up the air and making it feel like it was just right. Just natural, the way it was always meant to be. And Brian had hated himself, had punished himself because that feeling, that emotion so opposite to hate, was something that he had always be taught that was wrong. He had hidden himself behind that façade of the happy married man when he just wanted to run away from something that felt so real, so strong and so scaring. Something that would have strayed away from who people expected him to be and to feel.

It wasn’t easy.

It hadn’t been easy trying to undercover who he was under all those layers of pressure and responsibilities. There had been mornings when he had wanted to turn back, go back to what he always had because it was so much safer and more certain, and ironically those had been the days when he had found it was harder to speak, let alone sing.

No, it wasn’t easy but Brian was determined to get to the roots of his problems and fix all of them. And the most important one was there, looking at him skeptically and confused, frustrated and longing to help and to understand why it had happened to him. Why it had happened to them. 

It wasn’t easy but now, more than ever, it was the right time to finally let Nick know that something that had been hidden under years of lies and masks, cracks that were now showing and letting inside a little bit of light.

The light of hope.

It wasn’t easy but Brian owed it to himself. And to Nick. And to whatever was left of his voice

“I’ve never hated you, Nick. I couldn’t and I can’t hate you.”

“Why?”

Brian turned around, facing the ocean and the sky in front of him. An endless view of clear blue, not even a single or small cloud that tainted that bright color with its whiteness. Only the sun provided a round of yellow, shining down and reflecting its beauty on that mirror that slept peacefully within its warmth and arms. Everything was so perfect. Everything seemed like an eternal paradise, a place where hopes and dreams may be turned into reality. Brian held on to those thoughts, held on to those wishful birds that seemed to know exactly where they should fly and disappear: up above the ocean, up and up again until they were far away from everything that could haunt them.

“For the longest time I tried to hate you. I really want to, even though I couldn’t imagine my life without you along the ride. And that was the weirdest thing. Why did you have so much power over me? You said one thing and suddenly the world was already better. You did one thing and I had this flutter in my heart, a pride that I couldn’t quite place or define. Everything revolved around you, there was nothing I wasn’t ready to do if it meant making you happy and see that smile that was reserved only to me. And, one day, I realized why I was feeling that way. One day I opened my eyes and realized what I should have already known since the first time we met. – It took every ounce of strength for Brian to revert his gaze towards Nick and keeping up with his confession. Half of his soul wanted to run away, declare that every word had been only a mistake. But most of his heart and mind pushed to keep on, to put an end to that dance that had made both exhausted and weary. - It scared me. It frightened me. It went against everything I had been told, it went against that image people had of me. I was confused. I was hurt, yes, but I was torn because I knew that you were the only one who could make everything better. I ran away. I ran away from my failure and from that burning desire I had for you.”

At first Nick didn’t quite understand what Brian was trying to tell. Or better saying that his mind didn’t want to believe those words, afraid and scared that it was just his soul trying to fool and deceive him all over again. It happened before a quite number of times and he was always left with a bruised heart, leaking loneliness and that feeling of a loss that was hard to digest. Nick had never been good with words, it was an universal knowledge: he wasn’t good with playing with them, offering them as an explanation of whatever he was feeling in that particular moment; he wasn’t good at listening carefully and closely to them, always missing the hidden message underneath and getting angry at what he thought were lectures and disapprovals where, in reality, they were just advices. How many times it happened with Brian? How many times Nick had got angry with him because he just couldn’t hear what he was telling him?

But this...

This was something else. This was something that Nick had always wanted to hear but never dared to wish upon a star. Brian wanting him like Nick had always wanted Brian. Brian loving him as Nick had always loved him, more than a friend and more than anyone else had ever been before and between. Desire. Lust. Longing. Could Nick believe it? Could Nick believe that it was really happening, just like that?

“Bri, what... what are you trying to say?” Nick tried to say, tried to put a stop before things would roll down and shatters whatever belief had been left. A part of him wanted to jump into that confession, quickly affirm that their feelings were the same and mark that day as one of the most beautiful; but, the other part, was more careful. More closed because it protected that fragile heart that had already been broken and shattered so many times by other birds that seemed love but only on the surface.

“I know, I know. I’m putting you in an uncomfortable position. No one really wants to listen to an unwanted love confession. – Brian tried to joke, tried to cover up his embarrassment because it wasn’t really going as he thought. Albeit he had never planned that moment, always pushing it in the very back of his mind because it was something too scaring and big. – It wasn’t planned. But I guess it is one of those things that I kept inside for so long, too much time, that now it’s trying to force its way out and…” Brian’s voice trailed off, his courage failing him for a few moments. – But that’s the truth. I can’t hate you because I love you. I loved you for as long as I can remember, I loved you long before I realized that love was what I was feeling for you. And I’ve never stopped. I tried to fight it. I tried it to hide underneath the mask of hate but it didn’t work. I’ve punished myself for too long. I’ve hurt and punished you too just because I couldn’t accept that I was in love with you the way I was supposed to love my wife. But it didn’t matter. The pain, the hurt… they didn’t matter because nothing ever changed. You were there. You were there in my heart and in every breath I took. You were there, beating inside my heart and it’s crazy that it took almost losing my voice to realize that I can’t run away anymore. I can’t run from that feeling. I can’t run away from you. And I don’t want to run anymore.”

Brian looked up to Nick, taking in how the sun was caressing his blond hair and kissing them so that they could shine even more, could be as bright as that round ball placed in the middle of the sky. Brian looked at Nick and at those features that had never left the solace of his mind, always there to remind him that there was never going to be someone else he could love and adore more. How many times did he trace those features? Back when they were just children playing around, back when youth drew him into a path that was never going to appear with no one else. How many times did he dream about caressing that face with touches full of love and desire? How many times did he want to kiss them, kiss a trail that would just be a gateway for something more and deeper? London had been such a bittersweet torture, with Nick being so close and him not being able to focus on nothing else but his fight and battle.

“Wait a minute. Wait a fucking minute. – Nick didn’t want to believe it, in case it was just a trick of his mind and heart. But he wanted. He wanted it so badly. – You are saying that you love me? As in really love me? As in...”

“As in the way we’ve always sung about love in our songs. As in the way books and movies have always tell us how love should be. I know it’s hard to listen and I know I’ve acted the complete opposite. And I swear, Nick, I’m not trying to force you to love me back. I wanted to tell you because it’s killing me. It’s killing my voice, as if this me that I always supposed to be is now trying to come out because he’s tired. I’m tired too. I’m tired of not having you in my life.”

“This is... wow.”

“You seem surprised.” Brian commented, a part of his heart trying not to let show how disappointed it was because it wasn’t really going as he had hoped. Maybe he had read the situation wrong, maybe Nick had just wanted to be nothing more than a best friend and all those looks, all those words unsaid, were just a trick Brian’s mind played because it longed to be held, loved and comforted. Once upon a time Brian would had been able to ready Nick’s face and understand what was going on inside that funny head. At that moment he couldn’t. He couldn’t say what was going inside Nick’s mind, he couldn’t tell if his words were matching a fire or if Nick’s silence was just him buying time because he didn’t know how to let him down. Maybe he had strayed away too far, maybe it was already too late to hope for another chance.

Maybe it was too late to hold on to the last chance.

“I’m surprised.” Nick replied, an embarrassed laugh that wanted to break that unusual silence.

Nick wasn’t just surprised. He was shocked, that kind of disbelief that one might feel when something so desired and so unexpected happened, throwing away every security and every defense one might had built during the years. Nick didn’t know if it was reality or if it was just a dream, but whatever it was, there was no way he was going to lose this chance. He caressed, so, Brian’s voice. He let them inside and let them caress those wounds that were still bleeding, a heart that had been broken too many times but that it was still beating for a chance of love. And not just a simple love, a fling that would fly away when storms and rain would fall. No. What Nick had always wanted is the kind of love that would last until the end of time and space, until bones and ashes would try to stay together just because they didn’t know how to be alone anymore. And Nick had always wanted that love with the man standing in front of him, looking now at him as if all of his life and health were depending on his answer.

“I… - Brian’s voice broke, that frustrating and heartbreaking sound that he had come to hate. It was embarrassing. He was ashamed how his emotions were trying to suffocate him, tightening up around his throat as though it was just a game, something to have fun with just for a couple of seconds. Brian quickly looked down, wondering why in the hell he was still trying, why he wasn’t just giving up and be out of sight for the rest of their lives. He felt his cheeks turning red, the air suddenly felt as if it had disappeared and a dead weight was there, in the pit of his stomach, just to remind him how badly he had fallen. – Sorry.” He quickly mumbled, a soft whisper that Nick wouldn’t being able to hear hadn’t he been close to Brian. And closer he got, driven by that natural instinct to go over the older man, trying his best to push away that ashamed look inside his eyes.

“You don’t have to be sorry.” Nick whispered, daring to cup Brian’s face with his hand. A brief touch and, yet, it was almost electrifying, a shock wave that ran through them as if an invisible thunder had decided to strike them. For a second, just that particular and special moment, blue met blue and dove into a territory that none of them had ever explored. But it was tempting. It was calling them, drawing them into an ocean where they could breathe easier.

“About what? My voice or my confession?”

“Your voice. Especially your voice. – Nick answered with a warm smile. – And as for your confession...”

“It’s okay. – Brian quickly interrupted Nick, although he didn’t try to step away and let the contact, that hand upon his cheek, stop as well. – You don’t have to say anything. I didn’t... I didn’t tell you so you could say that you love me too. It’s okay if you don’t, really. I just needed to let you know. I can’t hide anymore, my voice isn’t leaving me this option anymore.”

“Then I guess I should thank your voice.” It was just a joke but it didn’t take away all the other meanings that simple sentence held. Maybe, one day, Nick was going to tell Brian how much he was thankful for that voice.

“Nick, there’s no need to add anything more.”

“What if I want to?”

“What?” Brian asked confused, half wanting to believe that, maybe, his feelings were returned.

Could it be real?

Could it actually happen?

Could it be not just a dream?

“What if I want to add something. Or are you supposed to be the only one who gets to confess?”

Suddenly it was way hotter than just a second before. Suddenly it was harder to breathe, harder to hear anything else but that heart of his that beat, beat and beat so loudly against his chest. Brian hadn’t expected it. Oh no, definitely not. He had just wanted to try, to see if taking that secret off his chest would actually help them being friends again. And help his voice along the way.

This time, though, Brian could read Nick’s expression. It brought him back to years and years ago, past decades when they were the best thing ever happened in each other’s life, back when he used to be the only star inside Nick’s universe. That look, that devotion and adoration was still there, lightening up his eyes and giving them a shade of gold and silver. That look was feeding Brian’s hope, whispering that not all was lost and maybe, just maybe, there was still a chance for a dream to become real.

“Go on, then. Confess.”

“Haven’t you really noticed? Have you really never noticed something different in the way I looked at you?” Nick was actually surprised that someone like Brian, someone so careful and so attentive, didn’t even get a clue about his feelings. But, at the same time, he had made the same mistake: he hadn’t noticed that Brian never hated him, quite the opposite.

Although Brian had always been way better at hiding his own thoughts and emotions.

“I hoped? – Brian replied. – I wanted to believe it. There were moments where it was hard not to fall into the conviction that you loved me. But I was afraid.”

“Afraid of what? That I didn’t love you back?”

“Yes. But not only that. I was afraid that it could be true, that you did love me and I didn’t know, back then, if I could take that step. I wasn’t ready. We weren’t ready.”

“That’s where you are wrong. I was ready. I wanted you. I wanted you to look at me and tell me that I was your only one. If… It’d just took one word and I’d been yours. That’s all I wanted. – Nick closed his eyes for a brief second, a blink that made Brian’s heart jump a little higher and fall down thinking that it was already over, for Nick had only talked in the past. - That’s all I want.”

“Nick…”

It was just a breath. A hope. A small light of a freedom that now was closer than ever before. Brian could touch it. Brian could take it in his hands and feel how it was supposed to be, how it was always meant to happen and to be: free to love whoever he wanted. Free to be with the person that had his heart in his hands and never broke it, never let go of it because it had been too much important.

Why didn’t he notice it before?

Why didn’t he realize it before?

And, for the first time, Brian felt finally confident as he hadn’t felt in a very long time. He couldn’t misunderstand Nick’s words, not anymore at least. He couldn’t misunderstand Nick’s eyes looming on him, that light that he had always mistaken for admiration when, instead, it was a shade of a deeper devotion and desire. He couldn’t and didn’t want to wait anymore, he wanted to take whatever life was giving him and making the most of it, without feeling like he was disappointing someone who wasn’t even there to watch him. He was tired of that shit, he was tired of feeling like he couldn’t never meet other’s expectations, even though the hardest and most difficult to meet were the ones he had put over himself.

Why hadn’t he tried before?

Why had he waited so long?

Not anymore.

Their relationship had always been so unique. So special. So rare and so difficult to explain or to put a label on. There had always been something in the air around them, a change in the atmosphere when they would be close, next to each other and, yet, still so far away. Those invisible butterflies that would bat their wings impatiently, wanting to be let free so that they could fly but, with every beat, they made their hearts bigger and lighter, jumping into a void because of that emotion that lingered in the blood. How good would have it been to let themselves be wrapped by those wings, that dream that they had tended and caressed night after night, morning after morning: always closer, always ready to be turned into reality. But never quite right. Never quite blessed to take that ultimate step, that kiss that would make magic turn into reality. And it had been fear the evil villain: fear had always broken those wings, scared and afraid of falling into a black pit where their friendship would be forever ruined.

There had been so many times when Brian had wanted to do it, leaning and kissing Nick until they couldn’t breathe anymore. But something had always held him back, It should have been easier, just like it was in that moment: gone were all the doubts, discarded were all those obstacles that had pathed their roads

Nick was still standing there, a hand on his cheek, and he was waiting too. Was he debating the same doubt that was haunting Brian? Was he debating what was the right move to do or if they were other words that needed to be said? They could wait. Everything could wait because, finally, they were going to have all the time in the world to ask forgiveness and make it up for all the wrongs that they had done. Everything had to wait because Brian couldn’t do it anymore, there was something he had to do because he had wanted it for too long, so long it had haunted in his dream and tainted every other relationship he had ever dared to have.

Brian couldn’t wait anymore.

And he didn’t. He stood on his tiptoes, flashing a smile that caught Nick by surprise. For a second, Nick just waited for Brian to do his move, his nerves and muscles ready to sweep in and thrive into that beautiful wave of pleasure that having Brian so close to him could give. For a second, Nick though about leaning down and capture Brian’s lips in that so waited kiss but he hadn’t counted what the other man had in mind.

The same thing.

In a second, just the time of a blink, Brian’s lips were on Nick’s and his arms were around his waist, bringing them closer as they could be. The surprise and the shock lasted less than an instant, instinct reacted and geared up, a hand losing itself into Brian’s hair, those sandy strays that Nick had wanted to play with for a long time, back when they were those softest curls that he had longed to get lost within.

In a second, perfection came and swept them away, bringing them in a new dimension, that alternate world that was finally turning around and become their own reality. They had imagined that moment. They had tried to picture how it could feel to be that close, sharing more than air and breath: passion burned within them, but they never came close to that reality. It was beyond imagination, it as if they were playing with fire but never got burned, never got hurt.

A simple kiss and they already felt as if the world was finally finding its shape and its rotation, shaping up all those elements and views that they hadn’t been able to catch when they were just wondering souls, looking for their other half and feeling as if something was missing. A simple kiss healed years and years of wasted chances, missed time because life had brought them on the ground and the only way they had was to find themselves before realizing what had been standing in front of them since the beginning of time.

A simple kiss and a new day was about to take its first step, raising its head and looking at a new horizon.

It was time to begin.

*********

The sun was about to hit its bed, disappearing underneath the waves of the ocean and letting night and moon having the attention for their daily show. A soft and chilly breeze was coming up from the shore, flying in and out the house that sit just not that far from the beach.

Brian and Nick were standing on the patio, Nick’s arms safely circled around Brian’s waist and his face resting upon the elder’s shoulder. It was almost magical. It was real, that was the real magic in that situation. Their bodies were still thriving with the emotions and feelings of the last hours, those moments that had been dedicated to learn each other all over again, discovering new ways to say how much they wanted it. How much they wanted and longed to be that close, to be as one because there couldn’t be distances and differences anymore. And now they could. And now they could just reach out a hand with no fear, no doubt that it would be met and kept close. And now they could linger a little more, let the sight drink those inches of a body that they only dreamed to possess, only dreamed to touch and caress, give pleasure to. Now they could share a sunset together, they could stare at the sun wrapped up in each other’s arms, a comfortable silence around them because words couldn’t explain everything.

But words could smoother the past.

“You were right.”

“I’m always right. – Brian joked, his voice a tone so low that it gave Nick another spark of pleasure and warmth. – I was right to bring you here, wasn’t I?”

“Technically I chose to go with you.”

“Small details.”

“But that’s not what I meant. – Nick explained, a soft murmur that caressed Brian’s ear along with that ocean breeze. – When you said earlier that you couldn’t hate me, even though you tried to. You were right because I tried to hate you too. And it was impossible. No matter what I still couldn’t hate you. I hated just that situation. I hated that you never gave me a second thought, I hated being just a friend to you so I had to walk away. I had to make those thoughts going away or I would end up crazy. Because being close to you and not the way I wanted you it was… hell. Torture. And I wanted to make you feel my pain, I wanted you to feel responsible.”

“Trust me, I did feel responsible. I knew that I was the one to blame. And that was one of the reasons why I couldn’t stand around you.”

Nick’s lips brushed against Brian’s neck, inhaling that sweet aroma mixed with sun and sea, with love and sex. “You carried so much. I... I can’t help but feel…” Nick couldn’t finish his sentence, for Brian turned around abruptly and looked sternly into his eyes.

“It’s not your fault. Nick, don’t you dare blaming yourself for something that I did on myself.”

“I can’t help it. If I only pushed you a little more…”

“Stop. Stop right there. I did this to myself. I spent years trying to think ways of erasing our past and all of my mistakes. And what did it bring me? This stupid voice that wants to give up on me. There’s a reason why it happened. I have to believe that… that somehow I needed this wakeup call or we would end being just strangers instead than what we are right now.”

“And what we are, Mr. Know It All?”

“Whatever you want us to be. Lovers. Partners. I don’t care, just as long as I can wake up with you every morning.”

A ball of emotion curled up inside Nick’s throat, stealing away the air necessary to reply and say something. But he couldn’t, not when Brian was looking at him with that look, that expression that Nick had always seen diverted to someone else, to someone that wasn’t him. Now Brian was looking at him like he was the sun and the moon, the starts that could and would light up his path and life. Wasn’t it beautiful? Wasn’t it wonderful?

With no words left to say, Nick bent down a little so his lips could brush Brian’s. It was still magical. Kissing Brian. Being able to just do it whenever he wanted, whenever words wouldn’t come and he was left unable to say what he was feeling or thinking. It was still magical kissing Brian and tasting that love that had been made for them, just for the two of them. It was still magical and addicting and, if he could, Nick wanted nothing more than just kissing those lips for hours and hours, ‘till the end of time.

“Can I be your savior?”

Brian laughed and that laugh didn’t have that much to fly before it got stolen by Nick’s mouth. “Isn’t it a little bit too much?”

“You said it yourself! You said that you did this because you want to heal.”

“As much as I want to believe it, I don’t think it would take just one confession to heal.” A shadow darkened Brian’s eyes, stealing away that light of life and vitality that Nick had finally been able to see after too many months. He leaned down again, kissing Brian’s nose tip as a fingertip trailed the line of that throat that was giving them so many troubles and worries; a shiver ran down Brian’s spine, an instinctual reaction to turn away and not let anyone touch that weak and frail part of his body. But Nick didn’t let him get away, that single touch turning into a loving and comforting caress.

“I was thinking more of kissing. Lots of kissing. And lots of something more.” Nick’s voice was a raspy tone that got underneath Brian’s skin, a thrill of anticipation of what was still in store for them. Together.

“You can try.”

“You’re not gonna stop me?”

“Why should I? – Brian knew that there was another thing, a last thing, that he needed to admit. And it was hard for him, harder than anything else because it meant stepping down from his role and letting Nick take it for a little while. It meant, especially, placing himself and his soul into Nick’s hands, trusting and having faith in him. – I need you. You know how it’s difficult for me to say those words but that’s the truth. I need you to look after me. I need you to remind that I can do it, even and especially those days when it seems that nothing works anymore. I need you to love me.”

“That last one won’t be hard to do, Bri.” Nick replied, his voice full of commotion and his love for Brian growing bigger and bigger, even bigger than the infinite ocean sleeping in front of them. It was humbling. It was something Nick had only dared to dream, those nights full of alcohol when he would promise himself to get better so that he could prove Brian that he was the one.

And Nick had longed for so long for someone to look at him and saying that they needed him. Not with money. Not with only what fame could bring them. No, Brian didn’t need them and Nick didn’t need them anymore. Nick needed to be needed. Nick needed to be trusted with something so precious, it was the only way for him to stay away from all the troubles and darkness that, sometimes, still haunted him.

“Even when I’ll be too stubborn to accept your help? Even if… - Brian stopped for a second, that thought was still difficult to put out and make it real. But it was a chance, even though it was the most terrible one. But he needed to know if Nick was going to stick around, even and especially in that case. - … even if I’ll have to quit singing and the group?”

“It’s not going to happen.” Nick pointed out, sternly and with a tone that didn’t admit any shaking or doubt. It wasn’t going to happen, plain simple. There wasn’t a scenario where Brian wasn’t part of the group.

“You don’t know.”

“Yes, I know. I know because I’m gonna stand right here, beside you, and I won’t let it happen.”

Hope. Faith. Two words that had always mattered in Brian’s life. Two words that he had held on to whenever things got rough, and obstacles seemed that much higher and impossible to cross. There had been times when Brian’s faith had struggled, beaten down by a life that was so different from the one that he had been taught to believe. Good things came to good people, that had always been his mantra. Kept his head high and never looked behind, because the past was there just as a memoir, a memory of a lesson learned, whatever it had been bad or good. But, no matter how hard he tried, his past with Nick was something that he hadn’t been able to move past. Hope and faith, in this case, had been just an illusion, something he couldn’t even take in his own had seemed as if he had already played his cards and ended up with a bad turnout: he hadn’t played right, he had backed away when the game had raised its stake because he didn’t know if he could be that good enough. He hadn’t known if he could take whatever he wanted without people suffering around him. But, in the end, the only one who ended up burned had been Brian, his voice bearing the worst of the wounds. And, in his lowest, Brian had found hope and faith holding out their hands and pushing him to see a solace in the only place he could find it: Nick.

Brian didn’t know if Nick could be his savior. Brian didn’t know if, just like in the past, he had to be his own hero and push through the obstacles. But hope and faith, this time, were telling him something different: they were telling him that he didn’t have to do it on his own, he didn’t have to look down and wonder if he could make it because there was someone who could and would walk beside him, helping him when the path would get rougher.

And that someone was Nick. That someone had always been Nick, even back when Brian hadn’t been able to say why he was feeling that attached to that little kid. For Nick Brian had fought so that he could have a future; For Nick Brian had endured the heart surgery, so that Nick could always have a best friend along the ride. For Nick Brian hadn’t quit when he first sensed that something was wrong, very wrong with his voice. For Nick, now, Brian was putting his heart and soul into his hands, holding on to that hope and faith that he would be able to carry him during the hardest times.

And so that night, while Nick was laying him down and showing him another way to adore and be devoted to him and his body, Brian held on to the hope and faith that maybe, just maybe, finally being reunited with his other half could heal him.


End file.
